So as my readers will know, I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder, you can find out what I have been through here), I thought I would just do a post going through what it's like for me and living with it, it's not something that's overly well known, most people presume it's just something that those who have fought for their countries get, but it's not just those people who can go through it.
I wake up in the morning and the first thing that normally goes through my mind is the traumer I went through 9 years ago, it all goes through my mind like a really super fast speed movie, then I just jump (well crawl because I hate mornings) into 'mother action' and start to go about my day.
I will then check the news and something that's happened in the news will 99% of the time will trigger off my memory again and I will go through the entire sped up movie in my head once again.
I will then have to try and control my breathing and avoid making my children and partner upset by seeing me in a bad way, I do everything in my mind power to change my thoughts (it could take a few seconds, it could take me going to the bathroom to 'pee' to do it) and then again I continue on with my day.
I will continue to go through the day and attempt to avoid anything to do with whatever reminds me of the hell I went through, it could be avoiding certain songs, avoiding quotes about it online, more news reports online etc.
Recently I have had to stop going to the gym as there is a trigger there which makes me go into a full breakdown in the changing rooms, I remember when I first saw my trigger and I stopped breathing, I could not control it, I had to make a huge mad dash to the changing rooms and I sat on the floor in a shower cubicle and cried and hid, it was probably the biggest trigger I had ever had and I had no idea how to deal with it.
In the end I managed to get myself up, compose myself and exit swiftly.
I have not been back since.
It's too hard.
Seen as though I'm currently waiting for my proper counselling appointment to help me cope with all the triggers around me, for the past 7 years I have been having to deal with everything by myself, I have had no help what so ever, I have just self taught myself how to breath to calm down, it's very difficult for me to cope when I get reminded of things and even typing this now is quite difficult.
Even just before I go to sleep, when I close my eyes at night I get that silent speedy movie through my brain one last time and that is always my last thought when falling asleep.
It all causes me nightmares, not every night, but a lot of the time.
PTSD is not something I would ever wish on anyone, it's a massive struggle to live with.
It's something that makes sense when you get told you have it, I had never even thought about it or even heard of it really before I was told about it, though there was a bit on Emmerdale about it but I wasn't really concentrating.
I can't find any support groups around my area to go to for it, well, unless you were a part of the armed forces, which obviously I am not.
I am currently using the Well Being services to help me, so hopefully in a few months I will have all the help I need, it's going to be a long and stressful process.
Since being diagnosed I have noticed people have seemed to be stepping on egg shells around me, when I bring it up occasionally some people just shrug it off, it's "just another mental illness", it's something else that people just don't know what to say because they don't know enough about it, I get that, but what I don't like is the pitiful look I get from people, it's annoying and I find it just all a bit, I don't know, fake?
I would love to talk to other people who have PTSD, because at the moment I do feel quite alone with it, it's not something I really know how to handle, it's not something I can really talk to about with people who haven't got it because they just don't understand.