World Premature Day

So yesterday was world premature day, so I thought I would share my story on how Edward was born.
He wasn't born as early as probably most of the babies who are premature, he was a month early.
I remember going into hospital because I wasn't feeling well and they suspected I had preeclampsia, I remember my mother popping home to pick me up a couple of things, we didn't think I'd be in hospital much longer but better to be safe than sorry.
A little while after she left I had a room full of doctors come in and they said 'we need to get the baby out now', my heart dropped, I was in complete shock, I was supposed to have 4 weeks left, I knew I had the injections to help his lungs the night before just incase, but I didn't actually think he would have to come out so soon.
'How long have I got?' I asked the doctor and he said 'we'll get you in in the next 10 minuets.'
It was such a blur after that, I tried to call mum but no answer, I got told to sign a form as I was being put to sleep for my csection and I remember just laying there praying for mum to hurry up.
The doctors then came and got me and as I started walking to the theater I saw my mum and told her I was about to go have my baby, I broke down, I kept muttering I wasn't ready and I was scared.
She told me she would be waiting for me and that she would find my camera.

I remember laying down on the bed in the theater and counting back from 10, I then fell asleep.

When I woke up my throat was so sore, my mind was all fuzzy and the first thing I said was 'water', I don't think it had quite registered with my brain I had just had a baby.
My mum then started showing me pictures she had taken on my camera of my baby boy (who was supposed to be a girl according to all my pregnancy scans), my baby wasn't with me, I started to panic and ask where he was, they said they had to take him to neonatal as he was having a small problem breathing, they said they would bring him to me in a bit.
I had him on the 30th of March 2011, at around 11:05am, he weighed 7 pounds 12 ounces, I didn't get to hold him till almost 10pm.
Do you have any idea what that wait was like? It was the most painful experience of my life, I kept asking the midwives when I could see my baby and they were just like 'we don't know' but eventually they wheeled him in, in his see through cot, tubes attached to him, at first I didn't want to hold him because I was scared I was going to knock out his tubes and stuff, but eventually I did.

He was the first baby I had ever held, I had never wanted to hold someone elses baby before my own.
I didn't really know what I was doing, I didn't know what to do with him so I just snuggled him and sang to him.

We ended up staying in hospital almost two weeks.
I kept having problems feeding him, I had to tube feed him a lot and had a massive battle with the midwives because they kept trying to force milk down him, it got to the point where it projectile vomited his milk across the room when I then put my foot down and told them to go away and I will feed him however much he wants when he wants.
I remember looking at all the other babies on the neonatal ward and they were so tiny compared to Edward, the staff said he was one of the biggest they had ever had on there.

I missed out on a lot of firsts with Edward, I wasn't the first to cuddle him, change his nappy, feed him, wash him etc.
I felt like a pretty shitty mum to start with because I couldn't even carry him full term, I'm not saying you're not much of a mother if you can't go full term, but that was how my 19 year old self felt at the time.
Now 23 and another baby later (who I still didn't carry full term, but the birth was far more smooth), I know I'm not a crappy mum for it, these things just happen.

I remember one time changing his nappy for the first time, I accidentally knocked his breathing monitor off and there was this loud beep noise and loads of staff came running into the room, I thought I had killed him just by changing his nappy, but he was actually just in a deep sleep, nothing wrong with him at all, I started crying then.

I didn't get much support from the hospital after having Edward, I had no advice or support on breastfeeding or co sleeping or anything natural, so unfortunately I didn't do anything with him that I do with Eppy, I think the hospital and aftercare team really let me down with him, and since I was only 19, young, scared because apart from my mother I was on my own, my boyfriend left me at 12 weeks pregnant, I just felt so alone a lot of the time.

But now, at 23, I'm in a stable, loving relationship, living with Robert, Edward is 3 and half, Eppy is 14 months, life is good, we are a family. So things do work out in the end.