I Am Not.

So the past couple of days have been ok.
I went to see my health trainer yesterday and I have lost in total in six weeks 1 stone 10 pounds, so I'm 4 pounds away from my next stone.
We had quite a long chat and she thinks that I may have an eating disorder.
I don't think I do, well, ok, I think I have issues with food.
I can quite easily go days without food or very little, I've been struggling to eat anything lately, I get clammy and nervous and shakey and I just can't bare to put some stuff in my mouth.
I over think about calories and I weigh myself about 4 times a day.
I've always had a problem with food in general, but it's just kind of got worse lately.
I see the pounds drop off each day and it gives me this thrill and rush and I just want to keep seeing more and more come off.
Lots of my clothes are now too big, especially lots of my jeans, barely any of them stay up now, I am now fitting into clothes that I used to wear ages ago, it's really exciting.
My health trainer said that as soon as she saw me she knew instantly that something was wrong, I was pale and my eyes said it all, how come she noticed and nobody else has?
She opened up to me about some of her private life, which I won't go into, she talked to me as if I was her friend, not just someone she has to see.
She clearly knows I'm suffering from depression, she saw it instantly in my face.
She said it was ok to sit there and cry with her, I said I don't get much time to cry at home with the children.
She said she was going to write a note to my doctor letting him know about our meeting that day because she said I need to get extra help, she wants me to still see her every week (apart from next week as she's not in typically).

I told Robert what she had said and I think he's worrying too, he wants me to talk to him more, but I find it hard to open up about stuff about this, he has his own problems to deal with like work and money etc, I don't want to add on top of all that.

We also went to pirate petes the other day (indoor jungle gym), so the kids had fun there.

Today was sort of a good day, we went to Norwich to go to a home education group, there wasn't many of us there, but there was another family there who was also home educating and they were doing arts and crafts on a big table, we went and joined them, I found it interesting talking to the eldest boy who was 13, he was bullied in school so his parents pulled him out of school and started home education, he seemed like a pretty smart kid, really polite too and he was also good with Edward.
They go that church (yes the group is in the church) every Thursday, so we may go either every week or every other week to chill with them.

When we left the group we went and walked around the shops and then we bumped into Skydi, Rowan was wearing an adorable knit jumper with a bus on it. We decided that we would do lunch together, but it ended up too much of a faff, took us a while to find somewhere and then when we did Eppy wouldn't stay sat in her high chair so Robert and I had to leave Skydi to it.

We then drove to a cafe and had lunch, I struggled to find anything on the menu I felt like I could eat because the calories weren't on there, so I asked them if they could make me a salad with some different cheeses on it. It was a really nice salad, but then once in the car I had a mini panic attack, I felt like bursting into tears and I felt sick and I just wanted to hurl myself out of the car and breathe in loads of air.
When we got home I went into the bathroom. I wasn't sick. I don't like vomit. But I did put my toothbrush down my throat, I figured the gagging reflex would make me feel a bit better and it did.

Tomorrow mother is coming over and Robert wants a 'cleaning morning', which is fine by me, the house is always messy when he's home (=P)

I still feel really bloated after my salad, I'm dreading weighing myself in the morning, if I'm not the same weight I was this morning tomorrow will be a fast day.

Here are some photos from the past couple of days.



















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