A Little Bit Personal

So, as much as I love Robert I haven't told him everything about my past.
Something was brought up today which I didn't want to talk about but made me think 'I should probably tell him at some point', my mum thinks I should tell him too, but it's one of those things where you spend years trying to repress the memories, to talk about it all and bring it all up again kind of ruins all that hard work.
This afternoon he was changing Edward's nappy and said 'I don't know why you still get grossed out by this.'
I probably should have told him then, it's not really that I find changing a nappy gross, but it does sometimes make me gag.
Main reason behind it is because when I was little I had a childminder and she was a pretty horrible one, she used to make me nap on the floor in the utility room, keep my upstairs out of the way on Christmas day, hit me once because I broke a CD tower, was generally just nasty to me. But there was one time when she took it to the extreme, she'd just finished changing someone's nappy, I was sat on her brown leather sofa, she accidentally got a bit on her finger and came over to me and said 'lick this', I didn't want to, to this day I still remember the smell, the look of it, it was awful, she then said 'come on, I haven't got all day', so I was forced to lick her finger. She forced me to eat someones poo.
Unfortunately it was many years later (not till high school) before I actually told anyone about what she did to me, not just the poo thing but everything else, in all honesty I'd repressed the memories until I then saw one of her children (who I'm actually still friends with till this day, who also now knows what happened) and it all brought the memories back, I had a mental breakdown, the police got involved, she was reported but because it was so long ago nothing could be done.
I had to see a therapist to help me get through that stage of my life, to help me repress the memories.
It wasn't until I had Edward the memories came back again, I avoided changing his nappy for a while, my mum helped loads when I had him at the start because she knew how difficult it was for me.
I'm ok mostly now, so yes I do get a bit 'eugh' when I have to change a nappy but I do just get on with it because I have no choice really. Maybe this is why I have such an addiction to cloth nappies, maybe it's helping me deal with everything and make nappy changing a bit more pleasant.
I've had a bit of a shitty childhood (no pun intended), my teenage years weren't that amazing really, so let's hope my adulthood is far better, and so far it already is.

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