I Remember


I remember when it all first began,
Long conversations, hours and hours,
I remember the nausea feeling I had sitting on the train,
That nausea feeling followed me all around the city,
I remember seeing you through the glass and that sweet smell of coffee,
I walked straight past you, I needed sugar,
I remember that shy feeling and thinking ‘I can do this’,
Sitting down in front of you praying my words didn’t come out sounding jumbled,
I remember you pulling out the drawing you had done for me,
I still have it now,
I remember us walking around the city and praying you would hold my hand,
You never did,
I remember going to that pub and thinking ‘oh god I’ve got to eat, I’m such a messy eater’,
But that burger tasted so good,
So did that cider, let’s forget that I could have happily had three,
I remember you walking me back to the train station,
You looked so coy and kind,
I remember thinking ‘just do it’ and I hugged you,
I remember my heart felt like it actually exploded,
I didn’t want to let go,
Why did you let go?
I remember sitting on my train home,
I kept smiling at strangers,
I wondered why I felt that way,
I’d never felt that way,
I got scared because you didn’t reply to my texts much,
Did I not live up to expectations?
Why was I so bothered?
Soon enough the conversations started again,
Hours and hours,
Days and days,
Then you bring me cider and pizza,
I remember,
I remember my terrible cooking,
I remember the embarrassment of the fire,
I remember taking forever to get ready for that night,
Spending forever choosing a dress and doing my hair,
Frantically cleaning up after a house full of children,
Just to blow it all by almost ruining dinner,
I remember sitting on the sofa,
You looking through my iPod,
My terrible music taste,
I remember trying to edge closer to you,
Praying you’d put your arms around me,
But you didn’t,
I was so close to your mouth,
I just wanted to feel it brush against mine,
But it didn’t,
I remember the smell of your skin,
How it made me feel dizzy on euphoria,
I remember how you then started talking about moving away,
I remember crying,
Crying whilst trying to put on halloween makeup is never helpful,
Why was I crying?
I remember the day you told me you thought you were still in love with someone else,
I remember that feeling of my heart sinking,
Have you ever had that feeling?
It’s like you can’t physically breathe,
I remember you telling me it wouldn’t work between us,
I remember throwing up,
Why did I feel like this?
I remember that night at the cinema,
I had spent hours getting ready,
Just to try and turn your head,
I remember seeing you in the line,
With your beautiful sister,
I remember you hugging me,
I remember wanting us to just sneak into the toilets,
I remember sitting behind you throughout the whole film,
I watched you drink,
Breathe,
Take in the whole film,
I barely noticed any of that movie,
I remember you coming over to mine,
I remember that agreement we made,
I remember us trying to get comfy on the sofa,
To watch another film I knew I wouldn’t concentrate on,
I remember us leaning in for our first kiss,
Who would have known what that kiss would have done?
I remember you saying how my lips were so soft,
I wanted you to lead me upstairs that moment,
But you didn’t,
What were you waiting for?
I remember that final night you did,
I remember barely being able to breathe again,
Completely high on lust,
Love?
Maybe,
I wasn’t sure,
I remember your hands parting my thighs,
I remember your hands on my hands,
Lips on my lips,
Skin on my skin,
The pain,
The pleasure,
The hours and hours,
The never wanting it to end feeling,
The heart to heart half way through,
I was your best friend you said,
Did I just get friendzoned after all that?
I remember having to pretend that that night meant nothing more than a fuck,
It didn’t,
It meant more,
A lot more,
I’m a shitty liar,
I remember breaking down on the sofa,
I was so scared to tell you,
To tell you I loved you,
I could barely get the words out but you knew,
I think you always knew,
I remember new years eve,
I remember just wanting to spend that whole night with you,
I even told you so,
I remember that night you told me you wanted me too,
I was so angry,
Angry, happy, angry,
Why did you have to play with me for so long?
I remember being pregnant,
I remember you crying on my shoulder,
I remember the birth of our daughter,
When you first met her you looked terrified,
You changed her cute little bum,
I remember the balloon,
You remembered,
I remember that feeling I got when I dropped my old keys through the landlords letterbox,
That scared feeling,
Not knowing anything anymore,
My life in your hands,
My childrens lives in your hands,
I will always remember,
The little details,
I remember the pie,
The tears,
Every day I get reminded of that feeling from when I was on the train,
Because when I look at you I still feel the same,
Just wanting you to come and hold me close and kiss me like there’s no tomorrow,
I love our journey,
I love you.

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